My Spiritual Testimony

My Testimony of God’s Grace and Sovereignty

Amber L. Cochran

Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure…
2 Peter 1:10

Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves…
2 Corinthians 13:5

When I was 5 years old, I went to Vacation Bible School at a Baptist church in my community with my childhood friend, Misty. At the end of the week, the director (or pastor) gave an invitation: “The only way to go to heaven was to ask Jesus to come into your heart. If you want to ask Jesus to come into your heart, raise your hand.” Well, of course, I wanted to go to heaven, so I raised my hand. The director took all the kids who raised their hand to a room off to the side of the sanctuary where we had finished our VBS commencement ceremonies. The director said a prayer and we repeated. That was it—I was going to heaven. There was no spiritual growth in my life and I had no one to lead me in discipleship.

When I was a little older, I went to some sort of youth rally with my same friend, Misty. I don’t remember exactly how old I was and I suppose it’s not really that relevant now. The rally was at the Benton High School auditorium. I don’t remember what the speaker spoke about, just that he was older, Latino, loud, and excited. I remember feeling bad because of whatever he was saying and crying, but I don’t remember much more than that. There was no spiritual growth in my life and I had no one to lead me in discipleship.


When I was 12, my friend from school, Miranda, invited me to go to church (a charismatic church) with her, her mom, and her younger brother. Having gone to VBS with other friends and my aunt and uncle at Missionary Baptist churches, attending a charismatic church for the first time came as quite a shock…charismatic churches are much different than Baptist churches in their worship and services! At this church, I experienced a group of people who were warm, caring, loving, and didn’t care whether my parents came to church there (or tithed there) or what clothes I wore…they accepted me for who I was.


I began to attend this church with Miranda. Because my parents did not go to this church (or any church, they still do not neither they or my younger brother, Michael, are believers), I depended on Miranda’s mom and other church members for rides to church. I attended this church from the time I was 12 years old until I was almost 24 years old. During that time, I served as a Youth Ministry Leader, Drama Team Director, Church Camp Leader, Youth Choir Member, and Children’s Church Worker. Most of my close friendships in middle school, junior high, and high school were made at this church and I still maintain some of those friendships. Many of the adult youth leaders took me under their wings and taught me what they could about Christ. On February 13, 1994, I was baptized. Though I attended church and was actively involved in leadership, I never actually grew spiritually. In a charismatic church, it is rather easy to appear and feel that you are growing spiritually when you actually are not.

Throughout middle school, junior high school, and high school, I was a great kid. I obeyed my parents probably more than most kids my age did, I got excellent grades and attended honors and advanced classes, I was active in extracurricular activities…I never got in trouble or disappointed anyone. Looking back, I know that it was my natural inclination to please people and I really had no desire to do what other kids my age were doing…drugs, partying, etc. I had always told myself, “You are a Christian and Christians don’t do those things…especially youth leaders at their church.” That seemed to be a good enough reason not to fall into “rebellion.” I graduated Bryant High School in 1997 (as a member and officer of the National Honor Society) and began attending the University of Central Arkansas the fall of that year.


When I arrived at UCA, I began to seek out Christian friends…after all, that’s what Christians do…hang out with other Christians. I immediately got involved in Chi Alpha (XA) Christian Fellowship, a student ministry. I enjoyed attending XA events and made amazing and lasting friendships…some of my best friends now I met at XA. I became a part of the Student Staff and served as Drama Director, Small Group Leader, and other various positions. I also was privileged to go to Poland in the spring of 1998 as part of an XA mission trip…and it was an experience that I will never forget…I maintain some of the friendships that I made with our interpreters there.


Also during this time, I began to experience some emotional problems. I was always in a state of anxiety and panic…and sometimes deep depression. I felt guilty because a Christian wasn’t suppose to feel those things…It was a sin to worry and I should cast my cares on the Lord. For me, it was obviously easier said than done. My emotions were out of control and I had extreme mood swings. With the help of a boyfriend at the time, Jody, I was able to see a doctor and was diagnosed with a “chemical/hormonal imbalance.” The doctor gave me some medication and I (and everyone around me) began to see changes in my behavior…good changes.


In the spring of 1998, I joined Sigma Sigma Sigma sorority. I became very involved in the organization and served in many positions including Secretary, Treasurer, Panhellenic Representative, and Chaplain. I led a Bible study for the other sisters and took prayer requests at every chapter meeting. Along with a member of the Sigma Tau Gamma fraternity, I served as co-director of Greek Reach—an all Greek Bible study that Noble (our XA campus pastor) began. After graduation, I remember having a sister email me telling me how much she admired me in that she wished that she could have lived like I had in college…more focused on the important things like having a relationship with God. Throughout college, I never really grew spiritually. When you are extremely busy and exhausted most of the time, it is rather easy to appear and feel that you are growing spiritually when actually you are not.


In the spring of 2002, I began dating Joshua. During that summer, he went on a mission trip to southeast
Arkansas and the Dominican Republic, but we emailed each other when we could. After graduation in August 2002, I took a job with Sigma Sigma Sigma as a Leadership Consultant. I traveled to approximately 30 different colleges and universities through the US in approximately 9 months…usually a different school in a different state each week. I literally lived out of a suitcase. It was the most fun and exciting job that I had had to that point in my life.


I traveled to places that I would otherwise probably have never gotten to go (such as New York, Idaho, and Pennsylvania). I became close to the other consultants and they knew where I stood in my beliefs. Two of the consultants were lesbians and had asked me what I thought of them. I told them that I didn’t agree with what they were doing because God didn’t agree, but I loved them and they were my sisters…and I treated them accordingly. Being “raised” in church all my life, I knew exactly how to answer a question like that. Most of the sisters in the chapters that I went to knew that I was a Christian. If I didn’t tell them, they made an educated guess with me being from Arkansas.


I learned a lot about different religions during my travels meeting sisters who were Muslim, Jewish (one sister’s father was a Rabbi), Wiccan, and other religions that I wasn’t really exposed to being from the buckle of the “Bible Belt.” Though I was forward in my faith, I never really grew spiritually. When you are traveling to a different state every week, it’s rather easy to appear and feel that you are growing spiritually when you actually are not.


I remember in November of 2002 receiving a phone call from Joshua telling me that Tracy (my now sister-in-law) had been saved. I was shocked because her husband, Chad (Joshua’s oldest brother) was a strong Christian and…how does that happen?? In the same month, I received a letter when I was “stationed” at Grand Valley State University in Allendale, Michigan. She said that she wanted to write me to tell me what had happened…that she had been deceived by Satan that she was saved when she really was not. I read the letter in disbelief…how does that happen?? I also thought it was odd because, at the time, I wasn’t that close to Tracy. I knew her to be “Chad’s wife, Joshua’s sister-in-law,” but we were in the very beginnings of our friendship and I didn’t know or understand why she had taken all that time to write a letter to me personally to tell me of her experience (considering that she had small children to take care of…who has time to sit down and write a letter?).


I came home and Joshua and I continued dating. We had not seen each other in almost 9 months and had communication over the phone and through email. In December 2003, we became engaged and were married in June 2004. Joshua was exactly the kind of man that I wanted to marry: loved Jesus, spiritually strong, loved his family, and loved to serve people. During our engagement, we began attending MSBC (Markham Street Baptist Church) and, not surprisingly, began teaching in the junior high Sunday School class. I became close to the girls, even taking them and their moms on a “Passport to Purity” weekend retreat.


In September 2005, Ruthie was born and I went from working full-time at FamilyLife to staying at home full-time. Ruthie was a difficult baby and I had a very hard time adjusting to staying at home with her. I felt alone and sad all the time…no one understood what I went through with her and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t ecstatic to be at home with her all the time. I felt so guilty. Throughout this time, Joshua and I struggled in our marriage…mostly because of me. I had no desire to be close to him spiritually. He would initiate a Bible study with me and I would refuse to do it. He would initiate prayer time with me and I would refuse to pray with him. I knew that he was frustrated at my reaction to his attempts at becoming a spiritual leader for our family but, I didn’t really care.


Because of staff changes and doctrinal/theological issues, we left MSBC in July 2006 and began attending the Bible Church of Little Rock. It was a “breath of fresh air” in that we were receiving sound teaching…individually and together. When we went through the interview process with the elders (Shannon Earls and Mike Hefner), I was asked about the testimony that I had given them. I had mentioned that when we began to attend MSBC and I left Family Church, I started to see that everything that I had learned about the Lord or church was not necessarily biblical…and that had caused me to doubt my salvation. They asked if I still doubted and I said no. I believe at the time, I was telling the truth, but there was a small part of me (perhaps the still, small voice) that said, “but you’re not.” I had also written in my testimony that I had grown spiritually through the years, but looking back over those years, I realized that I really hadn’t.


Joshua and I continued to struggle in our marriage and I continued to struggle with being a wife, a mother, and a child of God. I was bitter, jealous, harsh, angry, and rebellious…not only to Joshua and Ruthie, but to everyone, including God. In December 2006, I became pregnant with Zeke and he was born in September 2007. His pregnancy was extremely difficult for me. I was extremely emotional and extremely moody. I was awful to everyone, especially Joshua, and I felt horrible all the time. I just attributed it to the fact that every pregnancy is different and what woman is not emotional when she’s pregnant. But, after he was born, it didn’t get better…it seemed to get worse. I continued to fight and rebel against Joshua in his attempts to grow together spiritually. I was angry at everyone and couldn’t understand why.


A few years ago, I met a girl named Amber. She is a High Priestess of Wicca and leads a coven in her home. I had begun to email her and ask her questions about her faith. She had expressed to me that most Christians only wanted to talk to her to “convert” her and no one really cared what she believed. I didn’t want to be one of those Christians. She began to email me and tell me about what she believed and why. I had checked out a book on Wicca written by a Christian from the library. One night I began reading it. It made me realize that if Amber were to ask me about my faith, I would not be prepared to answer her. I hadn’t memorized any Scripture and would not be able to defend my faith.


I told Joshua my concern. The conversation then turned into questions I had about my salvation. I told Joshua not only had I not been able to memorize any Scripture, but I didn’t really have a desire to…I didn’t feel “bad” when I sinned…I had never had a consistent “quiet time” with God in my life and didn’t really have a desire to. Joshua began asking me what I thought that meant. I told him that I wasn’t sure. He said, “Let’s look at what a believer should look like…they should have a desire to know God’s Word; they should feel conviction of the Holy Spirit when they have sinned and want to repent…Does that describe you?” I confessed that it did not. He asked me if I had ever submitted my life to God. I said I didn’t know, but I did. I had never really submitted my life to God. I felt a feeling come over me of panic…I had been deceived. My entire life, I had been deceived into believing that I was saved, but I really wasn’t. I had a considerable amount of head knowledge, but didn’t believe it or practice it. I felt ashamed and scared.


I told Joshua that I needed to be saved, I needed to completely and totally submit my life to God…but I was afraid that people would be disappointed in me. My entire life was the picture of hypocrisy. I had served in leadership in every organization that I had ever been a part of, most of those being “Christian” organizations…how could I serve as a leader, leading others to Christ and in Christ, if I had never been saved, never totally submitted my life to Christ? I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I had not realized this sooner. I had had feelings that something was wrong in my “walk with God”—mostly that it was nonexistent, but I had always convinced myself that I was a Christian and Satan was trying to make me doubt my salvation. But, I was never completely convinced or comforted.


Joshua assured me that being afraid that people would be disappointed in me was a lie from Satan. No one would be “disappointed” in me. I was embarrassed that I would have to go before everyone I know and tell them that I had been deceived…it was an overwhelming feeling. What would closest friends and family think of me? Joshua assured me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed that I had been deceived, but rejoice that God had opened my heart.


So, at 11:30pm on Monday, January 21, 2008, wearing a black Insanity Skate Shop t-shirt and Christmas pajama pants, I prayed for God to forgive me for never truly submitting my life to God, that I wanted Christ to come into my heart and save me from the wrath of God. With that, I felt a burden lift off of me. I had heard others believers describe this feeling when they gave their testimony, but I had never experienced it…now I knew what they were talking about. I immediately felt changed. I did not feel the anxiousness that was there before. I told Joshua that I had been saved. He told me that I should find a lady to share this with, that I should call Rebecca Markham (my best friend from MSBC, our youth pastor’s wife). I told him that I wanted to get baptized again, but wanted to wait a while before doing it. I wanted the fruit of the Spirit to show in my life as evidence of my salvation.


With the next few days, Joshua said that he could see a difference in my behavior and attitude…how I responded to people and circumstances was obviously different than before. I began to read verses that I had read all my life and they took on new meaning. Joshua asked me if I ever called Rebecca and I told him that I had not had a chance to with tasks of taking care of our home, etc. He said that I really needed to call her and tell her. I was now curious of why I should call her specifically and asked him why. He said that he had asked Bobby & Rebecca to commit to praying for me daily…that I was either deep into sin or I had not ever truly submitted my life to Christ. I asked him when had he called them to request this…he said early summer, in July (almost 7 months before I was saved). I was dumbfounded, but thankful for friends who pray for me. I asked him how long had he suspected this and he said at least a few years, probably back to when we were married 3 ½ years ago. I was even more dumfounded. I asked him why he hadn’t said anything and he said, “It’s not my place, God had to bring you to Himself…not me bringing you to Him.”


That night, Joshua helped me with a Bible study that I had started. We went though the questions together and prayed together when we were finished. He was very “teary-eyed” when we were done and I asked him why. He said, “This is what I have been praying for since we got married.” I began to get teary-eyed, too. I was so humbled that this wonderful man that God had given me had not given up on me, but prayed for God to open my heart and come to repentance. I am so thankful for him, beyond what words could describe. A close friend of ours is single and has just begun dating someone. I asked her to describe him and she said, “He is the closest that I will ever get to a ‘Josh Cochran’.”


I now know that even though I wasn’t saved when I was involved in all those organizations, even being in leadership in them, God was still using me to bring others to Himself. My experience VBS, Family Church, XA, SSS, MSBC were all in preparation to bring me to Himself. I know that all that time that seems. to my finite mind, to be wasted time wasn’t really wasted at all. That time and those experiences were not in vain. God uses many methods to bring people to repentance and I think (and pray) that those were His methods for me.


I also now know that (maybe) one reason God had impressed upon Tracy to write me the letter she wrote me about her salvation experience is because it is a lot (not exactly the same, but a lot) like my own experience…that Satan had deceived us both for such a long time and God, in His sovereignty, had opened our hearts and eyes much like He did with Lydia in the book of Acts. About a week before I was saved, I had found that letter that Tracy had written me so many years ago when I was going through some things. I re-read it. I even made a copy of it to give to her. I believe that ultimately, that was one more way that God was speaking to me. I believe that He knew that I would find that letter and that re-reading it would convict my heart. I am thankful for God’s timing…it is perfect.


So, that’s it…that’s how I was saved and how I became a child of God. It took almost 29 years, but God opened my heart and I came to repentance. I am thankful and I now look forward to everyday instead of waking up and dreading it. I know that I will still struggle with things that I struggled with before, but now I have hope that God can change those things in me. Now I have hope…period.


01/28/2008

Many people who sit under solid, biblical teaching of the true gospel each week will also die and face God as judge, rather than as Savior, Father, and Friend. Many professing believers live in the unperceived darkness of false faith and self-deception. They sit under strong teaching. They know the gospel message inside and out. They are immersed in church and ministry activities. They attend—maybe even teach—Bible studies. They appear to produce spiritual fruit. They look and sound like the authentic believers around them. The most frightening part is, that many people who are in that situation don’t even know it. They are self-deceived. They wear a mask of genuine conversion that fools others, and eventually, even fool themselves. They’ve played the part so long, they’ve convinced themselves their salvation is real. Tragically, many who sincerely believe they are saved and headed for heaven will be surprised to find themselves in hell. Knowing the facts of the gospel and having it penetrate the heart are two different things. Scripture is clear on the matter: it’s possible to have a perfect knowledge of the gospel and the Bible, and still not be saved.

--John MacArthur, “Saved or Self-Deceived”